the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
