I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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