i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
