I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
