Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
