he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
