we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
