I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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