listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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