Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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