I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
