Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Randomize