we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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