My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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