I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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