Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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