someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
