guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
