I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
