jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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