I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
