either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
