Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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