I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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