Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
