What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
