he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize