Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
