Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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