i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
