I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
