Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
