What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
