Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
