I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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