I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
