Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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