Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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