I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
