guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize