I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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