It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
