So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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