I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
