this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
