he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
