god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
