Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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