Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
