she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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