The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
