if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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