i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
