So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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