This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
