The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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