You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
