Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
