RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
