This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
